May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
