So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
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