Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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