Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
