So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
