Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
