I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
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