You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
