My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
