Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
