Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
