so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
