This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
My cat gives me a boner
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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