I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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