I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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