Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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