Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
