My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
