Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
