Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
