Even the bartender felt bad for me
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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