I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
