it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
