just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
my mouth tastes like poor choices
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
