First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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