He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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