i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
