is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
