Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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