i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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