is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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