Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
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I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
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i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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