I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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