I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
