your parents love me but you hate me
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
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