New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
