I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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