you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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