Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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