: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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