Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
