You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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