Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Randomize
