sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
