you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
