hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
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There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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