you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
