you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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