Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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