he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
