God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
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Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
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I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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