i may or may not be watching the land before time
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.