i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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