She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
