I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
