I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
