Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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