he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
It was confusing and full of hummus
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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