You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Randomize
