My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I party with great urgency now.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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