you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders