My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.