How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
