Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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